I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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