how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
