im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
50% drunk capacity currently
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
