My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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