Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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