His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
