i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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