guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize