I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this just has baby written all over it
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
