I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
