He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
