So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize