seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
