Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
