I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
