The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize