Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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