I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize