ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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