I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
