Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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