If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
