A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
