I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
