I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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