I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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