i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
