do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
