I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
