You smell like stripper and shame
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
