There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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