Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
