My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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