Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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