Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
