Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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