so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
