I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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