Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
