Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
