I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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