i think my tv is drunk
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
