The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
