she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
