Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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