Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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