Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
