I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
