Don't make out with my wife yet
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
