im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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