Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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