He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
