I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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