you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
