just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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