The police scanner is talking about you again....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
