I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
