i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
