please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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