i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
